I have been putting my focus on love. Universal, unconditional, one foot in front of the other, love. And it has been amazing to see the joy the took root and is now beginning to show me tiny buds of contentment and forever.
I am sinking into myself and it feels good. I occasionally have to reprimand myself like a child throwing a tantrum, but am finding myself with less need for reminders that I am ok.
I know who I am.
31 years later and I have caught up with myself. Perhaps less than finding out who I am, I am realizing I actually am who Ive always been. I spent so much time believing in everything that I felt that I missed some of what I thought.
I have found myself laughing as I start to see that perhaps there is an order to why things happen. Im not ready to say that they happen for a reason, but the whys of situations and experiences that I never understood, are slowing starting to make themselves known. I have been able to sit still without distraction and coax some of the answers out of the stars. I have found myself saying prayers of gratitude in an off color tongue that remembers what church smells like but cant remember the last time I was inside one...
I force myself to be uncomfortable with the contentment and its getting easier. Strange to realize how comfortable and safe I was with worry and anxiety. The thoughts still creep into my mind but I scare them away with thoughts of hope, happiness, gratitude and love.
I spent a lovely weekend in L.A with my brother and his girlfriend and left so happy that I was even grateful for the traffic as it slowed my re-entry back to reality...
The peace could not have come at a better time as the world as I knew it threatened to end last weekend.
My sweet girl, love of my life and partner in every adventure since I was 17 threatened to leave the earth when we woke up Saturday morning and she was screaming in pain, unable to stand.
After a few terrifying days and a life savings spent saving her life, she is still here. She is comfortable and standing, her pain is managed and she is herself again. I still have to carry her up and down the stairs (which neither of us enjoy) several times through out the day and night, and we are both terribly exhausted (me more than her). She has a degenerative spinal condition which will not get better but is being managed with steroids and pain medication. She was able to get up on her futon today by herself which made me smile. Last Saturday I prayed for one more good day with her and as of this moment I have been given a week of wagging tails, begging for cookies, cuddling and kisses.
She has been more than I ever deserved. She is my soul mate. We understand each other and she knows where Ive been in a way that no one else ever will. She is as happy to see me as I am to see her, we are partners in this thing and I could never have imagined how much life we would see together. I am so freaking lucky.
There is so much more to tell and perhaps Ill write another post this evening, but right now Im going to carry my girl downstairs, go sit by the ocean and be grateful for another beautiful day.